9/22-9/29

This past week was a rough one. I've been really stressed out and sometimes I feel like I have so much going on..but really I don't. I just don't understand why I don't buckle down and focus. I hate feeling incompetent. I know my schedule may seem like a lot but it is really managable.

School- It's going okay. I am having my first wave of tests and papers so it's like the first sign of figuring out a teacher's grading process. I had a quiz in my Natural Disasters class and I don't think I did to well. My biggest challenge has always been trying to decipher what the question is asking. It's not about the answer or how much information I know if I can't figure out what is being asked. It's really hard to constantly feel one step behind everyone else.

Rehearsal- It's funny how your world can turn upside down in less than 24hrs. On Saturday I felt like I was having the greatest rehearsal. We were learning new choreography and I felt like I was getting it. Then on Sunday my day was terrible. I was constantly corrected and felt like the worst one in the room ( I still feel that way). I just don't get whyI always come up short. Why couldn't I take the choreography given and go to the next level. I don't want to be the one that ruins the piece. I don't want people to come and see my still trying to hold my head above water. I was and am still so angry at how shortcoming I was. I keep saying that I'm going to immerse myself in dance and how much I love it but it's like my feet are not connected to my heart or my mind and I just mess up. The show is next Friday and I really really pray I get my self together. I don't want to be the person that a choreographer dreads working with.

Dance- Dance at Ailey and BDC is going well. I truly love being at Ailey. I feel like I'm working hard. BDC was fun too. I finally got to take Tracie's class again and we did a dance that I absolutely love. It was to the song Slow Me Down by Emmy Rosum. So beautiful. I really tried to "dance" it and I felt I actually needed to control myself. The floor was really slippery so I felt a bit off balance but ultimately I had a great time. Assisting class is going well too. I'm sad to no longer be assisting the Saturday ballet class(It was with the Royal Academy of Dance technique) but I am doing a jazz class now with my friend Tina. Sunday I actually assisted 4 classes in a row. It was intense but I loved it. I wonder however if that was a factor in my demise at rehearsal. I didn't feel tired but maybe I was? No time for excuses though so forget that. I like assisting. I really observe the teacher and get ideas for if I ever had to step in. I used to say that I never wanted to teach but I think I actually may be able to do it at some point.

Work- I really wouldn't know much about this since I've been working 1 or 2 shows a week. The shows have been really slow so they don't need many people. I was talking to a friend who is a store model for Abercrombie. She gets paid more than me and it sounds like a lot of fun. I would really like to do that but I'm not sure if I'd "make the cut." I think I need to look into that cause I want to make money.

I still want to do film stuff and go on more auditions but I haven't gotten seen any quite yet or I've already missed them. Hopefully I can stop talking and actually take action soon.

Hopefully this week goes a bit better. Sometimes I feel like I overly stress myself out when I really need to just relax.